Am I People-Pleasing or Being Kind?
Part 1: Here’s how to know the difference.
Think about a situation where you said yes when you really wanted to say no.
Maybe you agreed to do something you didn't want to do.
Maybe you told someone, “It’s fine,” when it absolutely was not fine. Maybe you softened what you really thought because you didn't want to hurt their feelings, disappoint them, make them angry, or have them think differently about you.
You knew what you wanted to say.
You just couldn't bring yourself to say it.
This is where I usually stop my clients and ask them a very different question:
If you could take the filter off and tell me EXACTLY how you feel, what would you say?
Forget about disappointing them. Forget about hurting their feelings. Forget about making them uncomfortable. Forget about whether they'll get angry, pull away, or think differently about you.
For just a minute, we're not worried about what you're actually going to say to them. Put that aside.
I want to know what YOU have to say.
How do you legitimately feel about this person or situation?
Give it to me raw and unfiltered.
This is usually when something shifts.
Maybe the words come pouring out. Maybe you're angry. Maybe you say something you would never actually say to the other person. Maybe your heart starts pounding or your hands start shaking. Maybe you feel scared and relieved at the exact same time.
Good.
Now we're getting to the truth.
Because underneath all that accommodating, explaining, softening, and trying to be “nice,” there's usually a truth you've been afraid to acknowledge.
Learning to hear that truth doesn't make you unkind.
It means you're learning how to stop abandoning yourself.
People-Pleasing vs. Kindness: What's the Difference?
Kindness considers the other person without abandoning yourself.
People-pleasing takes care of the other person at your own expense.
In other words, you're taking care of other people while not taking care of yourself.
Signs of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing can look like:
Saying what you think someone else wants to hear.
Saying yes when you really want to say no.
Putting other people's needs, wants, or feelings before your own.
Having a hard time setting boundaries, or feeling guilty when you do.
Letting people cross your boundaries because confronting them feels worse than tolerating it.
Changing or minimizing how you actually feel to keep someone else comfortable.
Becoming a bit of a chameleon, changing how you act, what you say, or even what you believe depending on who you're around.
Agreeing with people when you don't actually agree because you don't want to create tension.
Over-explaining or defending your decisions because you need the other person to understand or approve of them.
Feeling responsible for other people's emotions.
Feeling like someone else needs to feel or behave a certain way in order for you to feel okay.
People-pleasing is one of our biggest blind spots because it can look so much like being a “nice person.”
But underneath all that niceness, there's often fear.
And that fear exists because we don't want to be rejected or abandoned. We're afraid of letting someone down because letting someone down can feel like we're risking something.
Maybe they'll treat us differently.
Maybe they'll get angry.
Maybe they'll stop helping us.
Maybe we'll lose emotional or financial support. (BTW….This is a big one for women who are stuck in relationships/marriages where they are financially dependent on their partner/spouse).
Or maybe we simply can't tolerate the idea of someone being disappointed in us.
So we learn to keep other people happy.
And somewhere along the way, we start confusing keeping the peace with actually being at peace.
How People-Pleasing Affects Relationships
Here's something I've noticed about people-pleasing that I don't think we talk about enough.
A lot of us end up in relationships where we're angry because our needs aren't being met.
And I get it. I've been there.
But there's also a part of me that wants to say...well, yeah.
Think about it.
If you're constantly telling someone you're fine when you're not, saying yes when you mean no, accommodating what they want, and putting their needs ahead of yours, what happens?
Eventually, that becomes the relationship.
You've basically taught the other person that you come second.
They get used to you accommodating them. They get used to their needs being the priority. And honestly, they may not even realize how much you're giving up because you've been telling them you're okay with it.
Then eventually you're pissed.
You're resentful.
You're thinking, What about me? Why don't you ever think about what I need? Why am I always the one giving?
This is the part that's hard to look at.
Sometimes we've participated in creating the very dynamic we're now angry about.
That doesn't mean the other person isn't responsible for their behavior. Of course they are.
But if I continually put my own needs aside and show you over and over again that yours are more important, at some point I have to look at my part in that, too.
If you keep treating your needs like they don't matter, other people can start treating them that way too.
And that's how relationships can become really imbalanced.
But recognizing that you're people-pleasing is only the first part.
The bigger question is: How do you stop?
And maybe even more importantly, how do you start speaking up for yourself without swinging so far in the other direction that you feel like you've become an asshole?
Because when I first stopped people-pleasing, I didn't exactly do it gracefully.
That's what I'll be talking about in Part 2: How to Stop People-Pleasing Without Becoming Unkind.
If You Recognize Yourself in This...
If you're reading this and thinking, Yep. This is me, this is exactly the kind of work I do with women in The Coming Home Process.
We look at the patterns that keep you people-pleasing, second-guessing yourself, and putting your own needs aside. But more importantly, we work on what's underneath those patterns so you can stop abandoning yourself just to keep everyone else happy.
Because knowing you're a people-pleaser is one thing.
Learning how to actually trust yourself, speak up for what you need, set boundaries without being consumed by guilt, and make choices based on what you want is something completely different.
That's the work.
And if you're ready for that, I'd love to talk with you and see if we're a good fit.
Hello, I’m Jessica.
I'm a Master Certified Life Coach, somatic embodiment guide, intuitive healer, and creator of The Coming Home Process. But this work is also deeply personal to me. I used to be a total people-pleaser, and breaking that pattern became one of the biggest catalysts for my own growth and ultimately my success.
For more than 25 years, I've worked in the healing and mind-body world, helping people understand the patterns that keep them stuck. Today, I help women stop abandoning themselves, trust their own voice, and have the courage to create a life that actually feels like theirs.
My work brings together coaching, nervous system regulation, somatic work, and intuition because I believe real change takes more than understanding why you are the way you are. At some point, you have to learn how to trust yourself enough to live differently.
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