How to Stop People-Pleasing Without Becoming Unkind
Part 2: Because recognizing the pattern is only the beginning.
When I Stopped People-Pleasing, I Was Angry
Really angry.
I had spent so much of my life swallowing what I felt, accommodating other people, and trying to keep everyone comfortable that when I finally started speaking my truth, it didn't exactly come out gracefully.
Sometimes my voice was raised. Sometimes I was upset. Sometimes what I said caught people completely off guard.
I remember raising my voice at my father, who is a big supporter of a politician I despise, and I said, “Dad, I don’t want to talk politics…I hate everything about the very man you support. That’s enough. Don’t bring him up again.”
I remember my dad saying, “Well, okay, no problem.”
Man...that sure felt good.
And sometimes after I broke my people-pleasing habits, I wondered, Oh crap. Am I becoming a KAREN?
Please, God, not that.
But yes, finding my voice has meant becoming a woman who is willing to speak up when something doesn't feel right.
Recently, my doctor kept me waiting for 45 minutes. Actually, this had become a pattern. When she finally came in, she told me another patient's situation had been more important than mine.
She actually said that.
The old version of me might have smiled, said I understood, and walked out annoyed.
This version of me told her I didn't appreciate the way she handled it and that I wouldn't be coming back. I would find another doctor.
Yep. That's who I've become.
And you know what? I'm okay with that.
I'm actually glad I did it because I found a new doctor who's a much better fit for me.
There's a difference between being unkind and being unwilling to stay quiet when something doesn't feel right.
When I started breaking my people-pleasing pattern, I was learning how to use a voice I hadn't been using.
And something interesting happened.
The people in my life who respected me and genuinely cared about me actually started treating me better.
They became more respectful of my time, my needs, my boundaries, and me.
And some of the people who weren't meant to stay in my circle eventually faded away.
I cannot tell you how gratifying and relieving it was to finally let go of relationships I already knew weren't good for me.
The thing I had been so afraid of actually happened.
People did respond differently to me when I stopped accommodating them.
I just discovered that wasn't necessarily a bad thing.
Why Do People Become People-Pleasers?
At its core, people-pleasing is often a strategy for staying safe.
If you're happy with me, I'm safe.
If you're not disappointed in me, I'm safe.
If you don't reject me, I'm safe.
If I give you what you need, maybe you'll continue giving me what I need.
So we make someone else the priority instead of ourselves.
And over time, we can become so good at doing this that we don't even realize we're doing it.
That's why I start by asking my clients to take off the filter.
Before we worry about what you're actually going to say to someone else, I want to know what you have to say.
Give it to me totally unfiltered…
Because you can't change a pattern you're still afraid to acknowledge.
When you begin allowing yourself to feel what you actually feel and acknowledge what you actually want, you're teaching your nervous system that it's safe to be honest with yourself.
Because…most of your life, you actually haven’t felt safe being true to yourself. Your body and nervous system need practice hearing and experiencing your own truth. Over and over again.
That's where we can now break the long-ingrained habit of pleasing others. But it requires you to get honest with yourself first.
And as we make the shift from self-abandonment to honesty….
We start showing up more and more as ourselves.
People-Pleasing Was Keeping Me Small
What I didn't realize for a long time was that people-pleasing wasn't only affecting my relationships.
It was keeping me small.
Getting out of people-pleasing allowed me to step into leadership in my own life.
Me, strutting my “I don’t people-please anymore.”
Because when you're less focused on what other people think of you and less consumed with trying to make everyone happy, you show up differently.
You stop accepting other people's bullshit.
You stop taking everyone's judgments of you so seriously.
You become more willing to say what you think.
You make decisions other people may not agree with.
You trust yourself even when someone else doesn't.
You take up a little more space without constantly saying, “sorry…sorry…sorry.”
And for me, that's been a huge part of getting out of people-pleasing.
It wasn't about becoming someone who doesn't give a shit about other people.
It was about finally giving a shit about myself too.
So How Do You Stop People-Pleasing Without Becoming Unkind?
You don't have to suddenly become confrontational.
You don't have to stop caring about other people's feelings.
And you definitely don't have to start saying everything that comes into your head just because it's “your truth.”
Remember where we started?
Take the filter off with yourself first.
Before you worry about what you're going to say or do, get honest about what you actually feel.
What do I want?
What do I need?
What do I actually think about this?
What would I say if I weren't worried about disappointing someone?
Then you get to decide what you want to do with that information.
Maybe you say no.
Maybe you set a boundary.
Maybe you have an uncomfortable conversation.
Maybe you decide it's not worth addressing at all.
You can still consider another person's feelings. You can still be generous. You can still compromise. You can still do something for someone simply because you love them.
The difference is that now you're choosing it instead of doing it because you're afraid of what will happen if you don't.
The goal was never to stop being kind.
The goal was to learn how to be kind without disappearing.
Getting out of people-pleasing doesn't just change your relationships with other people.
It changes your relationship with yourself.
So if you're wondering whether you're being kind or people-pleasing, don't just ask yourself whether what you're doing is nice.
Ask yourself:
What would I really say if I took the filter off?
And then listen to the answer.
Because that voice you've been trying so hard not to hear?
She probably has something important to say.
If You’re Ready to Stop Abandoning Yourself
If you recognize yourself in this, knowing you're a people-pleaser is only the beginning.
You can understand exactly why you do it and still find yourself saying yes when you mean no, worrying about disappointing people, second-guessing yourself, and putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own.
This is the kind of work I do with women in The Coming Home Process.
We don't just talk about the patterns. We work with what's underneath them. We practice hearing your own truth, trusting what you feel and want, and helping your nervous system learn that it's safe to stop abandoning yourself just to keep everyone else happy.
Because ultimately, this isn't just about getting better at saying no.
It's about becoming a woman who trusts herself enough to live her own life.
If you're ready for that, I'd love to talk with you and see if we're a good fit.
Hi, I’m Jessica.
I'm a Master Certified Life Coach, somatic embodiment guide, intuitive healer, and creator of The Coming Home Process.
I've spent more than 25 years in the healing and mind-body world, but here's the funny part: I used to be a massive people-pleaser myself.
I said yes when I wanted to say no. I worried way too much about what people thought of me. I swallowed things I really wanted to say. And when I finally started finding my voice, let's just say…I wasn't always graceful about it.
Thankfully, I've gotten better.
Today, I help women stop abandoning themselves, trust their own voice, and have the courage to create a life that actually feels like theirs.
My work blends coaching, nervous system regulation, somatic work, intuition, and a healthy dose of calling you on your bullshit when you need it.
Because you can understand yourself all day long.
Eventually, you have to trust yourself enough to live differently.
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